Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a fully factual account of my attempt at meditating. The following took about eight minutes, give or take a few. Well, hell, don't give or take a few - I timed myself and you all could've guessed that I wouldn't settle down to chill without a first glimpse at my sweet, sweet numbers. Here we go:
Become prone on the soft, firm mattress. Deep breaths...
Are deep breaths supposed to make me dizzy? Because I'm dizzy. I wonder where the cat is? I need to buy some cat fo...huh, I'm kind of hungry. Should I get up and eat here? It's nice outside. I should go to brunch. Wait, fuck, I'm supposed to be meditating!
Ok, what does the meditation lady say? Right. Be aware of my body. Got it. Aware of my body. Body, body, body. Body in bed. Body at rest. Body working hard to keep me alive. Thank you, body! Body, body, sex. Sex, sexy sex. No! No sex! Meditate, goddammit, Martin, meditate! Can you not keep your mind out of the gutter for five damn minutes??
(to which a small voice always answers, "No. No, we can't, and you know it." Damn you, small voice, for your unerring honesty.)
All right, now, deep breathing again and don't think about the fact that you are dizzy and therefore dying of some undiagnosed heart condition. Nope, really don't think about that. Did I pay my insurance this month? I should call my mom. Deep breathing. Forgive the self for being bad at meditation. Remembering that I suck at forgiving anything of anyone. Ruminate on past mistakes.
If I listen hard, I can hear the people in the drive-through line at Wendy's order. I bet you shouldn't have made that a combo, you Chunky McFatterson. Oh, shit sandwich, Martin, you can't be judgmental when you meditate!
Huh, I wonder if my WorkFriend Sparks buried that dead dog she found yet. I should check my phone to see if she texted. Hey, neat, lots of texts! Wow, my friends are funny. I'm bored of this bed. Meditation sucks. I should tell everyone on Facebook how bad I am at it!
Your Martin, dear ones, assiduously sucking at mental health since 1995. It's all for you guys - don't you feel so stable and cool?? Yes, loves, you're welcome. I'm taking my crazy on a walk now that I've reminded everyone on the internet of it. Happy Sunday, and may you all know peace.