or "Lessons Learned In The Year Of The Bracelets"
I address you today, dear readers, from an actual computer. We'll have to make this snappy, as I am on my mandatory unpaid dinner break - great for some folks, yippee-ki-yay unions and workers' rights but damn ya'll, it doesn't take me half an hour to eat a sack of combos and drink a Diet Mountain Dew. At any rate, I would probably be thinking glumly about break-ups while I munched my snack and I'd MUCH rather have the satisfaction of a finished blog. A finished bag of pepperoni pizza combos is just depressing, unlike this next list. I present to you in all my wisdom
Run If You Hear This
aka She's Breaking Up With You, Dude
1. "We need to talk."
Oh, where do we START with this one?? You always have to talk with your partner. Announcing that you "need" to "talk"? You can bet your sassy ass she's not wanting to chat about how awesomely things are going.
2. "I've been thinking."
Mmkay, congratulations, sweetie. I had assumed up until this point that because I do not generally date dullards that thinking was something in which you engaged on a regular basis. Thank you for letting me know that your synapses are firing. Excuse me while I get a beer, since clearly you have been thinking about leaving my ass (and the rest of me).
3. "I don't know what to say."
Yes, you do. "I'm leaving you. Bye."
3a. I don't know what I'm saying.
YES, you DO. "I'm leaving you. Bye. Also, this is a really annoying passive attempt on my point to pretend like I'm not about to rock your world and devastate you completely. Did it work? No? Ok. Well...let me try this next guy."
4. "We can still be friends, right?"
No. No. Absolutely not. Go away from me and leave me alone and in a few months I will be over it and want to be buddies, but for now? Let me pretend that my heart is cold and that I can shut you out of my life with nary a peep of protest. Getting dumped is dignity-shattering: do me the honor of pretending that you think I have any sort of self-pride. We both know I'll be drunk-texting you in like three hours in tears.
5. "I'm not good for you."
This is so invalid I can't even...come ON. I'M not good for me. Your point is utterly moot. You want good for me, my dear, I can ASSURE you that upset Martins tend to make decisions that don't end in clean clothes, restful sleep, the eating of fresh fruits, or the calm acceptance of the inevitable.
I could go on - my, oh MY, how I could go on! My point is basically this, ladies: I will almost always be utterly stunned by the end of a relationship. Spare me your speeches. Do not attempt to explain yourself. Do not be kind, do not be gentle, do not hug me and pat me and comfort me sweetly. To my next ex-girlfriend, I offer these words of advice re: breaking up with Martin.
1. Say "I'm leaving you." - no preface, please.
2. Hit me in the head with a two by four (I just like the aesthetics here, so satisfying!)
3. Leave the jug of vodka by my head with a glass of ice.
4. Go away.
5. Block my number, if you know what's good for you!
Thank you, my future dear. I look forward to pretending like we have a future together before you leave me to go hook up with men!
Confidential to I Totally Know You're Reading This: You are great. It's always good to see you.*
*That is so not confidential it's laughable.**
**Which makes me laugh. Happy Saturday!